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Nepal

The results are in!

See me in there???

I am happy to report that we made it! The race was quite an extravaganza, as the above picture suggests. After the race, they posted up the number of participants, and to my surprise, there were over 20 000 people there hustling around. Here is how it unfolded:

We got there pretty early because we had missed the delivery of our race shirt/number and shoe tag to keep track of our times during the race, so we had to pick it up at the info booth. That was smooth, so we had some time to hang out, sip some water, do some stretches and watch Yeouido park fill up with eager runners.

At about 5:30 we started to get herded into the starting chute. We were well back into the pack, which I thought would be fine...more on that in a second...

The official start was at 6pm, and the race got underway as scheduled. Because of our spot in the queue to start, we arrived at the starting line at about 6:07 and for the next 3-400 meters, the pace was just above a walk as there wasn't much room to get into stride. Some people were already walking, finding out that they had had enough of jogging for one day. There was no general walk/run etiquette (ie. walking along the side rather than 5 abreast in the middle of the pack while snapping self pics), so it was more of an obstacle course out there, especially at the start. We managed to get into a bit of a rhythm though and crossed the 2.5k mark at about 20 minutes - not bad considering that as we turned to get on the Seogang bridge, the path narrowed and we came basically to a stand still for a few seconds. Rounding Seogang bridge, an ambulance and medical staff were tending to a few leg cramps and severe cases of athletes foot and at that point, the route opened up a bit wider and we were able to spread out a little bit. We wrapped back around to Mapo bridge and as we reached the 5k point, there was a hell of a clog where the water stations were. They were running out of cups, so we just grabbed a bottle of sun heated water and sipped and splashed ourselves as we kept rolling. LVJ and I ran together steadily until about the 8k point and then she needed a bit of a breather so we agreed to meet at the finish line. I just chugged along and was happy when I finally saw the finish line dangling like a carrot in front of me. I crossed with a total time of 1:11, and then LVJ dashed in about a minute after I did.

After not jogging much in the last couple of weeks, she did a hell of a job to get through it, although she is paying the price a bit today - walking around pretty gingerly. Anyway, we were both happy to accomplish something like that and celebrated by taking some muscle relaxants and going to bed.

The Human Race

Guess Who's Back?

Well, the summer has been quite fun and eventful. I will try to get a few postings up to review the highs and lows of the past couple of months.

As for today, LVJ decided after seeing an ad in the subway a month ago that we should both run in the "Nike Human Race" 10K race. I usually keep my jogging to a minimum - a quick jog to the fridge for a beer in between UFC rounds - so I thought it would be a nice challenge.

I generally only jog for 10-20 minutes at the gym before working out, so I had never run over 3km in my life I don't think...until now. I talked to my friend Morrison a couple of days before taking off to Canada for some running tips and he gave me a few pearls of wisdom to get me off on the right foot. He is an avid runner and just the kind of positive thinker that I needed to get me motivated. Hopefully I will see him and can give him a high 5 as he burns past me or maybe just a polite wave as I squint to see him up ahead in the distance on the course today.

The first few days of running were torture, and trying to keep on some sort of running schedule while on vacation in Canada was no piece of cake, but I made it through reasonably well I thought. I have only reached the 10K mark twice in the past couple of weeks, but I have some sliver of confidence that they aren't going to have to scoop me up in a meat wagon as I am doubled over and vomiting in Yeouido Park this afternoon. As for LVJ, she has been taking more of a minimalist training approach and saving her energy for race day.

I will report back with the results...no matter how shameful they might be...

VJTV Morning Line Up

By popular demand, here is the morning line up for all of you TV addicts...

	KBS	VJTV
6am	Gag concert - The best baking pan reactions	News - Did Obama drink iced tea? Thorough analysis.
6:30am	Gag Concert - Quasi celebrities wear matching shirts	Happy Days - Fonzie loses his cool when he gets a brush for his 40th birthday.
7am	Gag Concert - Quasi celebrities try steer wrestling.	Three's Company - Larry's slacks send mixed signals to Mrs. Roper.
7:30am	Gag Concert - Quasi celebrities talk frankly (and hilariously) about their dancing	The Simpsons - A reenactment of an old episode of Chico and the Man proves that they are fresh out of ideas.
8am	Gag concert - The best multiple replayed shocked looks	VJ Morning Show - Some chipper bastards make you wish you had never gotten up in the first place.

Preview to an update

This is not an update
Although there are several thrilling things to write, I do not have the time, nor the energy to do this right now. Please check your local listings for updates in your area.

	KBS	VJTV
7pm	Gag Concert - Quasi celebrities do silly stuff	Happy Days - Malph ruins Fonzie's office for the whole afternoon.
7:30pm	Gag Concert - Best of Gag Concert	House - Someone gets a lumbar puncture and an MRI
8pm	Gag Concert (replay) - Quasi celebrities do silly stuff	CSI - The gang investigates Horatio's missing acting skills.
8:30pm	More of the same shit	Survivor - In case you haven't heard enough bitching and whining already today.

Maroon 5 - Seoul

Went with LVJ to the Maroon 5 concert last night at Olympic Gymnasium. I know a lot of their songs by osmosis, and was expecting a pleasant time, but was surprised because they really rocked the party. It also helped that the audience was really into it and freaking out, which added to the energy of the whole event. I don't know if I have been to a concert where the audience stood and screamed throughout the whole set. It was a hell of a lot of fun, and LVJ had a blast.

Here's a clip of what I thought was one of their best numbers of the evening, although for the final encore, they came out and played a very moody version of "Purple Rain" which blew me away as well.

Enjoy:

Part - PDC World Darts Champion

John Part does it again...

JOHN PART 7-2 KIRK SHEPHERD
(3-2, 3-2, 3-0, 3-0, 2-3, 3-2, 2-3, 3-1, 3-2)

Why was this not the lead story on tsn?

2008...

Happy New Year from all of us here at VonJackass Enterprises. There are a couple of announcements that administration wanted to pass on to all of you:

For those of you who have already given up on using your four or five copies of a "2008 Yearly Planner / Diary", you can turn them in to the nearest Juvenile Correction center where today's misguided youth will painstakingly scratch off part of the 8 to make it look like a 9, then return them to the local pet shop, banking institution, plumbing supply store and / or jewelery shop. You can look forward to receiving them again in December 2008.

New Year's Resolutions bringing you down? Not to worry friends. The majority of humans on this Earth started rationalizing the breaking of their resolutions at approximately 3:14pm GMT on January 1st, so take heart...you aren't as weak-willed as you think you are.

Let's make 2008 the year that ends spam mail. Let's get serious already...is anyone really seriously considering slopping their credit card number down to get some risky prescription medications, a wang enlarging kit or to free up a few millions trapped in a Nigerian bank account? Furthermore, those forwarding internet jokes / chain letters / cartoons should be punished by having to use a 14400 modem for 1 year. Any time I see the subject line of an email that says "I thought this was cute" it moves me one step closer to the edge of insanity.

VJ Enterprises is set to release the best and worst of the year that was...watch for it on the weekend...prime ad space is going fast, so book today to avoid disappointment.

Blue Bulls Christmas

Thought we here at VonJackass Enterprises should get in the Christmas spirit with one of my favourites. As Christmas approaches, it is usually the time of year when I miss the family back home the most, and I am glad and grateful to have my "family" in Korea to spend the holidays with. "Uncle Dean and Aunt Jumi" are once again hosting Christmas dinner, but because of everyone's work schedules, we are having it on the 23rd. Maybe a bit of skating on Christmas Eve if anyone is up for it???? LVJ and I went out to Olympic Park to the outdoor rink there on Tuesday night and it was surprisingly excellent. W1000 to skate for an hour, including the skate rental, and there were only about 30 people there. Not sure if anyone else is game, but if you are, let me know!

Mother Nature's Golden Gems

No post for a while...working is tearing the life out of me. Tick Tick Tick...vacation will be here sooner or later. Thankfully though, my Christmas present to myself arrived today! John Part Golden Hero 26g. Hoot hoot. Took them out for a tear with Colin at RMT in Hongdae this evening. They started off a bit erratic, but once I found my groove, they were flying pretty well. Nothing like some new darts to inspire a guy to hit the practice boards and look for a lot of excuses to get out and throw. Trying to rework Saturday's schedule so that I can attend the season ending tourney, as I have never made it out to that extravaganza yet in 4 seasons. Took a sneak preview at the Goat's new Taylors and they are looking quite vicious as well. I guess at the very least, even if we fall apart during the season, we will still be looking good out there with everyone on the Bulls decked out with new spears.

To the oche I say!

p.s. I'm not sure what the "3 in a bed" flights mean exactly, but I will cover all angles just to be safe.

When Denis Lemieux speaks, you listen.

For my Korean friends...here is a quick run down on the rules of hockey.

Weekend Fun

I was wondering what to do over the weekend, and I had SFA planned, so I thought that I would get into the Christmas spirit with my annual Christmas light extravaganza. This may look like a lot of work, but it was surprisingly easy to do. With nothing more than a rope ladder, a roll of aluminum foil, a set of pocket mirrors, a chainsaw and a tin of raspberry jam, I managed to set this up in just under 19 hours. Of course, LVJ was on hand with a hard hat, clip board and a whistle to check the schematics and bark out instructions.

In an unexpected perk, Korea Electric Co. sent me out a Gold Membership card which gets me 10% off any dried squid combo at participating Megabox Movie Theaters. They have also named a uranium rod after me.

Big Bad Bill (is Sweet William now)

This is seemingly old news, but it is new to me, so I thought it was blog worthy.

Bill Nye apparently caused the residents of Waco to freak out when he talked about the sun and the moon. Are people really this moronic? The answer, oh my brothers, is "yes, yes they are."

Read on:

The Emmy-winning scientist angered a few audience members when he criticized literal interpretation of the biblical verse Genesis 1:16, which reads: “God made two great light, the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.”

He pointed out that the sun, the “greater light” is but one of countless stars and that the “lesser light” is the moon, which really is not a light at all, rather a reflector of light.

A number of audience members left the room at that point, visibly angered by what some perceived as irreverence.
“We believe in a God!” exclaimed one woman as she left the room with three young children.

In "a" god? Meaning they believe in one of many gods? Well, who knows...I gotta wonder though, if people are going to get all bent out of shape over the luminescence of the moon, what the hell are they doing at a "Science" lecture anyway? Just hang out with the elders of your church, eat dainties in the basement, and bitch and moan about how everything would be better if everyone else were more like you.

_______

In this picture, Bill can be seen juggling what is known as a beach ball made of carbon and hydrogen as he warmed up for his speech in Waco.


Post speech reaction as angry Texans stormed out of the auditorium. Nye was misquoted in the Waco Tribune as saying, "Aw come on guys...don't be like that. Okay, judging by your angry reaction, I have crossed the line and I admit that I don't know what I am talking about...the moon really does emit light."
His precise words actually were, "Come on people, you gotta believe me. Look at me, I have a bow tie on. A bow tie for fuck sakes! Well Jim, I guess you were right...we should have just inhaled helium out of balloons and made funny voices like you suggested. Always a crowd pleaser around here. These hay seeds aren't ready for this fancy book learning yet. Give them 3 more generations."


Now enjoy this video...

Communication Breakdown

Which one of these characters do you identify with more?

Darts Round-Up

It came down to the crunch, which is the way it is supposed to be. We played Alley Ratz, who we had been chasing all season and were 2 points behind going into Monday night's action. We needed a 3 point win to clinch 1st place. Our home, Bless U, closed down for renovations on Sunday, so we lost our home board advantage, if there is such a thing, but we popped next door to Dolce and locked horns over there instead.

Play was a bit tentative, maybe because of some jitters, maybe because of the -4 temperature in Dolce at game time, maybe a bit of both, or maybe neither at all, but play started heating up as we battled through the matches. All were good and close matches as was expected. In a darts league first though, there was a heated exchange between our team and a member of the Alley Ratz. In Koichi's first leg against Eric, Eric thought that he would try to pad his stats rather than shoot for the win, so with only 1 or 2 bulls for the win, he tried to throw 5 marks on open numbers even though he was over 100 points ahead already. Koichi battled to catch up, but was too far behind. It was just a ridiculous case of poor sportsmanship, so The Goat and I piped in with a few choice words after the first leg finally ended. In a case of poetic justice though, in the 3rd leg, Eric also tried to do the same thing with 18's open and the lead, but Koichi hammered the bulls for about 5 rounds to catch up, then Eric missed the open 18's a couple of times and Koichi zinged a dart into the triple to win. Basically, being a prick cost Eric the game. He was quite proud of himself afterwards for some reason. That one leg meant a lot in the end though.

We split the doubles games, which took us to the team game to decide 1st and 2nd. If we won, we would have a 3 leg victory...of we lost, we would remain in 2nd. After only winning maybe 2 team games all last season, we have really picked it up this season and started concentrating on winning. Everyone played a steady game, and I was glad to hit the double 4 to put the final nail in the coffin for victory. 1st place baby! woohoo.

We have a bye this week for the first round of playoffs, and then will play the winner of FFOD and Cake Mix...the only two teams we lost to this season, so it should be wild.

Finally...someone was thinking.

Here is an ad campaign that I thought was quite interesting. While the authenticity of the dates in the photos is debatable, the effect is quite powerful. For the amount of time and money spent on marketing, it is good to see that someone still has a good idea once in a while.
(note: click to enlarge the photos...the date is key)

Venn Diagram of the Day

Space 1999

Over at Barry's place for one of his BBBQ bash extravaganzas last weekend (the extra B is for BYOB) and I noticed that he had the collection of "Space 1999" on DVD. My heart stopped momentarily (and not just from the meats - which were smoked and grilled to perfection I must say) because as a young lad, that show seemed to burrow its way into my psyche and send me into nightmares. I finally had a chance to search around and I found the culprits that caused me so many fits and terrors.

Look at this picture at your own risk. If it should cause you nightmares, call my parents...they will calm you down. (my advice though...make sure the blankets and sheets of your bed are perfectly smooth, and don't look at the plaid curtains as they will appear very large)

Whatever these things are, I hope they rot in hell.

K1 World GP

An awesome day of fights out at Olympic Gymnasium yesterday as Colin and I headed out to take in the K1 final 16. Here is a break down of the good and the bad:

Good:

• Schilt serving up a stiff knee to the chops putting Slowinski to sleep
• Park Young Soo dancing around with his hands at his waist and LeBanner taking advantage of it by flooring him with one punch
• Bonjasky serving up a flying knee to the forehead of Leko. Leko wasn't interested in asking for seconds.
• Hari giving Viney a whomping / KO
• Our seats were great. Thanks to LVJ for helping arrange that.
• the production was quite smooth and professional looking. The arena atmosphere was quite exciting

Bad

• Fujimoto...just terrible. It was an embarrassment for everyone. He was tumbling around the ring like a class of grade 3 students practicing log rolls and somersaults with Mrs. Kroupa (remember that fierce bitch?).
• Sefo / Aerts fight was lame. Sefo was not up to par at all and quit after round 1.
• Mighty Mo and Choi Hong Man. Again, Choi did nothing at all and somehow ended up getting a decision. At one point he did manage to kick Mighty Mo in the nads, but the ref wouldn't stop for a break, even though everyone from Choi to the judges to the ushers up in the crow's nest knew it was low. As Choi walked around with a guilty expression, Mo took a short break and leaned against the ropes, touching his knee to the canvas, at which point the ref called him down and he got an 8 count. What a joke.

Update...I just found a clip of the incident. Decide for yourself. If you can watch this without wincing, then I guess it was fair and square.

• The venue facilities were fucking brutal! Was this really an Olympic venue?
  
• Most of the lower concourse was blocked off, leaving 3-4 closet sized washrooms...lined up out the door most of the time.
• No vendors selling any kind of K1 memorabilia
• only 2 drink / snack vending booths that I saw on our level of the arena. The 3 hour line to get a bag of squid just wasn't worth it.
  
• Drink vending machines opposite the section gate doors making it impossible to get in or out of the gate due to huge lines waiting to buy a pepsi from a machine
• Who knows why, but an unreasonable number of people couldn't figure out how to find their seats. Come on people...the seat numbers are in order for Christ sake. Ushers were doing SFA (too busy noticing obvious low blows) which made for about 5 arguments in our section alone as people were having a hell of a time counting up to 100 to find their chair.
  

Most of the fight clips are on youtube already. Here's a taste

The reverse peep hole

This is an awesome picture taken from Death Valley. Think of it as the reverse image of the photo I posted up a few days ago. It is a fairly large pic, so click on it to view it in its splendor.

Dumb-ass gets Jolted Back to Reality

By now, if you live on the earth, you have seen the video of the chap who rattles on at a Kerry speech and then gets tossed out by the cops and as he tumbles around like Charlie Chaplin, Captain Kirk sets his weapon to "stun" and gives the guy a bit of a perm.

It is all very laughable, but what I am really starting to find hilarious is the growing list of anile comments surrounding the whole thing. Posters seem to come from 1 of 7 camps:

1) The guy was acting like a clown, wrestling away from the cops, and deserved what he got
2) Bush destroyed the constitution of the US, so the cops can do what they want because of the Patriot act
3) Free speech is lost
4) Kerry is to blame because he sicked his goons on the poor, helpless guy
5) Kerry was dodging the guy's questions instead hopping off the stage and helping him
6) Blame the Liberals
7) Blame the Republicans

Let's put this in a different setting and see which of these seem logical...

a) You are in a bongo truck selling fruits, vegetables and fish. The cops tell you to buzz off. You say, "Okay...after I blast this horn for a few more minutes." They start to escort you away. You start yelling and wriggling to get away from them. Well...now you are in a lot of shit. Whose fault is that? Is it Bush's fault? Is it the liberals' fault? Does it now mean that the free market economy is dead? No. It is YOUR fault for being a show off and a dumb ass. (personal side note...I would LOVE to get Spock out of retirement and shoulder roll out from behind a parked car and zap each and every bongo truck driver sitting in front of my house)
b) When you are stopped for speeding and the cops tell you to "stay in the car" do you reply, "No officer...after all that speeding I need to get out and stretch my legs here..."? Only if you want to get tazed.

I guess the kid was just getting carried away on the adrenaline of being cool in front of his classmates...sadly, now this idiotic stunt will open the door to more ass-hattery and probably make that jackass rich as he makes the rounds talking to Oprah, O'Reilly, Limbaugh, Maher, Regis, Leno...whoever.

*In this photo - In one of the earliest recorded uses of the stun gun, housewife Helen Needlebaum stealthily zaps her husband with a Tesla coil by tricking him into holding what he thinks is a newly invented kind of soup ladle. When interviewed afterwards as to the reason for the shock treatment, Needlebaum replied, "Well, that jerk said he liked my hair better longer. Bastard. That'll make him think twice."
Hell hath no fury, my friends.

Mastering English

Why didn't I read this article BEFORE I slogged through that masters program? I could have instead just taken a weekend course to become a driving instructor and gotten the same (and in some cases better) results. Read on...

Czech crash victim wakes up speaking English

September 14, 2007 10:25am

Article from:

A CZECH speedway driver knocked unconscious in a crash stunned ambulance drivers when he woke up speaking perfect English.

18-year-old Matej Kus was out cold for 45 minutes after the crash, but when he woke up he conversed fluidly in English with paramedics, even speaking in an English accent.

The teenager had just begun to study the language and his skills were described by friends and team-mates as “basic at best”.

Peter Waite, the promoter for Kus's team, the Berwick Bandits, told the Daily Mail: "I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"It was in a really clear English accent, no dialect or anything. Whatever happened in the crash must have rearranged things in his head.

"Before his crash Matej's use of the English language was broken, to put it mildly.

"He was only just making a start on improving it and struggled to be understood, but was keen to learn.

"Yet here we were at the ambulance door listening to Matej talking to the medical staff in perfect English.

"Matej didn't have a clue who or where he was when he came round. He didn't even know he was Czech.

"It was unbelievable to hear him talk in unbroken English."

Unfortunately, the speedway driver's new found skills didn’t last and he remembers nothing of the accident or the following two days. He is now keen pursue studies in English.

He told the Daily Mail, through an interpreter: "It's unbelievable that I was speaking English like that, especially without an accent.

"Hopefully I can pick English up over the winter for the start of next season so I'll be able to speak it without someone having to hit me over the head first.

"There must be plenty of the English language in my subconscious so hopefully I'll be able to pick it up quickly next time."

LVJ Rings the Bell

After digging back in to TOEIC after a couple of years since last dabbling into it, LVJ has made the impossible possible and rung up a perfect 990 score. Great great.

Lessons to be learned from this:
1) Studying actually works
2) The old "I didn't hear / understand you" excuse is out the window.
3) Listening to me rattle on about a bunch of bullshit eventually pays off. (in fact, I can't take any credit for her score...unless there were questions about darts, hockey, Saskatchewan or cuts of meat.)

We are something in nothing

A picture of Earth taken from Mars.

" This is the first image ever taken of Earth from the surface of a planet beyond the Moon. The image is a mosaic of images taken by the rover's navigation camera showing a broad view of the sky, and an image taken by the rover's panoramic camera of Earth. The contrast in the panoramic camera image was increased two times to make Earth easier to see. The inset shows a combination of four panoramic camera images zoomed in on Earth. The arrow points to Earth. Earth was too faint to be detected in images taken with the panoramic camera's color filters. "

Browse around the main site if you have time. There are some phenomenal pics on there.
http://photojournal.jpl.nasa.gov/

The more I think about it, the more it ties my mind into a reef knot.

Chomp along with Chomsky

"If we choose, we can live in a world of comforting illusion."

Been reading through several Chomsky essays, interviews and books as of late. Interesting for sure. I have been wanting to slog through a bunch of his linguistics and political stuff for some time, but never really had a chance. Now with really SFA to do, reading is a joy.

In fact, I have lots of stuff to blog up these days, but I am just not that motivated right now to sit still and type. This weekend...

He's a brainiac, brainiac on the floor!

...Click here for one of the most entertaining articles ever written. The frightening thing is that this guy's opinion is not unique. Scary scary stuff.

Here is a little taste of what Hanmi Semiconductor Chairman Kwak Noh Kwon has to offer:

"While I was traveling around the world conducting semiconductor business for over 40 years, I realized Koreans are the smartest, most sophisticated and best educated people."

Holy Fuck.

I am proud to say that after living here for 8 years, I have absorbed as much of the "genius vibe" as I can handle. A simple foreigner can not understand the complexities of the clever and cunning ajoshi, but I gave it my best...and that's all a poor rube can do.

A tribute to a great hoax

This ad mysteriously appeared a couple of years ago in one of the expat magazines that circulate around Seoul. It seemed to have caused quite an uproar, and even made its way to Jay Leno's "Headlines" segment. I was browsing through some old pics today and came across it, so I thought it should be reborn. It was of course a hoax, but many people took it to heart, and according to the 2 guys responsible (Canadians - haha), they received shitloads of email from angry Canucks who felt obliged to point out their obvious hypocrisy.

Hilarious then...hilarious now.

B.Y.O.S.H. Party (Bring your own shoe horn)

Anyone up for the beach? A bit of frisbee, building a sand castle, flipping through a novel as the waves gently lap against the sand...

Honestly, under what circumstances would you say, "Hey honey, let's head out to Haeundae Beach today"?

Monday Night Mishmash

Due to military operations, we had a rare Monday off in the SIDL, so The Big C and I headed out to Itaewon to hang out with Roddy and the boys before their game. After having a bite to eat and some ice cold beverages, Colin was called away to do some entertaining and I headed over to Bless U to chat with Margaret and Welles and just generally hang out. Around 10:30, Koichi, Youb and I were playing cricket when the lads from Take it Easy and also TAP popped into the bar. The mood was festive and something seemed up, but I wasn't sure what. Then with a full tray of Jager for all, Colin presented me with my "degree"! Haha. Classic move.



I would like to thank Roddy, Gina and John for officially signing my Masters, and especially I want to thank Colin for motivating me to get through those last few classes by sending me photos of his degree along with quotes such as "get to work" "only 2 more papers" and "quit wasting time!" It seems like a short time ago that Colin and I first sat down in TOZ and cracked open unit 1 of linguistics, but when I think about the cramming and reading involved in the whole process, I can only say that I am glad it is behind me. Colin had his own motivation for getting it done, and I must admit that he kept on task and on schedule to finish up in 16 months. I couldn't keep up that torrid pace, but I knew that I had to just keep tapping away at it and eventually it would be finished. Looking back, I could have worked harder or put more effort in, but generally I am satisfied with the results. Hopefully the degree will continue to prove valuable in the years to come.

My real degree is still on its way from USQ, but this copy will certainly sit proudly on my book case as well. Thank you friends and family.

The Tiger and the Rabbit

I have often heard that the shape of the Korean peninsula is the same as the general shape of a tiger. I have never been able to really see it, and usually it seemed to look more like a bunny rabbit.
See for yourself:



Now check out this adorable and delicious bunny:



Almost the same, no?

Alas, I discovered the general gestalt of the tiger through tireless searches and neck twisting, squinting and creative cartography:



Exactly!
I would say that contortionist tigers were ahead of their time. In an ultimate example of man imitating nature for profit, Chinese circus acts were quick to copy the tiger's malleable bone twisting display and are now world famous for not only getting 32 ladies on a tiny bicycle, but also acts of flexibility that cause regular stiff legged folk to gasp in dismay.
Where did it all lead, you may ask? Well, eventually, out of our own secret desires to be circus performers (and to a lesser extent, tigers), the wonderful world of yoga was created.



Notice how this move closely resembles the general outline of Finland.

And now you know. Tell a friend.

Computer woes

What the hell? My computer has taken it upon itself to suddenly turn off at random, which is maddening and also galling. Thus I have decided that I am going to get back to basics (or BASIC) and buy this gem. I am not sure if it is internet compatible, so this may be the last you see of me. If you need me, I will be playing Outrun.

Cats?

Last night LVJ and I took in a performance of Cats. There were a lot of cats jumping around, as you might imagine, and some of those cats could really sing.
I'm not exactly sure what has made that production popular for 30 years, but it was for the most part entertaining. LVJ really enjoyed it, although I think she was eager to see more cats walking around our part of the seating area. There are several times during the show that the cats are running through the audience or coming in through the side doors and doing some stunts on the way to the stage. Even during the intermission, a few cats were running through the audience doing flips and twirls. Cool to see them up close.

Coincidentally, I bumped into an old friend there during the intermission. I asked him how he was enjoying the show and he replied, "The tickets were pretty expensive, so I am trying to enjoy it!"

Harry Potter Spoilers

Let me save you the trouble of reading the new Potter book...let's cut to the chase:

• Ron sees a barber for the first time. He gets a complimentary comb.
• Harry discovers a spell (Shakius Bakius) for making tender and crispy fried owl in seconds.
• You-know-who is caught doing you-know what and is sent to you know where for who knows how long.
• Hermione is accused of toying with Snape's wand. Snape claims that he wasn't aware that there was a 247 year age difference between them.
  
• Prof. McGonagall uses an "engorgio" spell to catch the eye of Dumbledore.
• Malfoy drops out and starts his own "street magic" program on FOX network.
  
• Hagrid realizes that the suburbs have a lot to offer and moves into a 3 bedroom bungalow.
• J.K Rowling proves that all the religious crack pots who banned / burned the books in their communities were on the right track. If you read chapter 17 backwards, it clearly instructs children that there is power in Satan, Potter is their overlord, Voldemort was a symbolic representation of Jesus and that if you have read the entire series, you will become unable to distinguish fantasy from reality and probably develop blood lust.
  

Hungry?

These days, with movies pushing 3 hours, numbing both our minds and our asses, the average squid snack just doesn't cut it. By the 90 minute mark, you are left with nothing but the eyes, or just crumbs to go along with the watery memory of your pepsi as the ice melts and the waxy cup begins to disintegrate. Fear not though, squid are up to the challenge and have responded to Hollywood's self indulgence by taking one more step up the evolutionary ladder and releasing their newest hybrid: Bob Homme Squid.



They chose the name out of respect for their hero, The Friendly Giant, who "through the use of an alto recorder was able to find serenity, even with that Jerome acting like a fool and hyper-active hen Rusty shooting his beak off all over the castle."


p.s. I know that a hen isn't a he, but "hyper active rooster" just doesn't have the same ring to it, so never mind.

The fans are calling for updates

Dear Reader(s)
Long time no posting. Here are a few updates to tide us both over.

- My master's degree is finished. Ahhhhhh...what a relief. Getting that last assignment done was a real pain in the beach ball, but eventually it wrapped up.

- Whitney and Georgia are here! We have been touring around and sight seeing, shopping, checking out soccer games, trying weird food, dabbling into Seoul night life, and generally hanging out. We are having a pretty good time, and there is more to come!

- It's humid.

- I finally beat "hatty" Jae Hak at Bulls! Having lost my soft tips a while ago, I used some house darts off the table. Strangely, they flew rather well for me. He was gracious in defeat and gave me a new set of soft tips.

- Back to work on Monday. Five weeks of intensive English fun coming up. Only working mornings, so it should be quite okay. I am putting together a new blog for the course, so those interested can stay up to date at: www.hongikheli.blogspot.com

- I have been trying to get through the first season of 24. I have several times resisted just skipping to the last episode to see how it all ends. Patience..patience.

- I have somehow been banned from the Seoul Metropolitan Police website because of my eager and sarcastic complaints about the noise factor in our neighbourhood. Not to worry though...I will start posting from Hongik! haha

- I saw this car driving by the other day. Spiffy.

The choice is yours my friends

If you would like to have your mind officially blown, watch this:



If you don't want to risk it, watch this:



If you can't make up your mind about either one of them, then watch this and feel better about yourself:

Miss Canada

LVJ was telling me that during the recent Miss (Universe / World / Galaxy / Solar system) contest, the ladies were dressed in their home countries' traditional garb for one of the judges events. Apparently, the Canadian strolled out in this number:


Being a Leafs fan, I am all for it...
Sadly though, the judges didn't see it my way, and like the rest of the Leafs, Miss Canada is now laying on the sofa back home, playing x-Box and scratching herself.

Students protesting - give it a rest already

Yesterday, a drive through down town was slowed by students protesting (what else but) some kind of anti-American bullshit. Two things came to mind immediately: Why were there a few white dudes in the mix? Have they not yet realized that to 99% of Koreans if you are white, you are an American? Secondly, if those students would put even half of that effort into actually studying and learning something about the world, the protests would probably stop.
Hey, if you have a beef and want to protest something, that is your right. Even though the democracy of South Korea is crumbling under Roh Moo Hyun's government (see the latest media blackout as an example), the freedom to express your views are supposedly what keeps people in line. However, from my thousands of conversations with university students about politics and about the West in general, the average university freshman has no fucking clue how to decide what to eat for lunch without their Mom telling them, let alone process international politics. All they know is that it is "cool" and trendy to get out and hate someone...Japan, USA, China, whoever...it doesn't matter. For that, I nominate those people who were out yesterday spreading around hatred rather than enjoying a gorgeous Sunday for this:

K-1 Dynamite? More like a birthday candle

K-1 yesterday was (for the lack of a better expression) absolute shite. The outdoor venue was unsuitable...the fighters had about a kilometer to get to the ring, the production looked shoddy and disorganized, and most importantly of all, the fights were junk. Even the much anticipated Sakuraba - Gracie rematch was bogus. I honestly think it was fixed, or just some kind of contractual obligation, so they went out and rolled around the canvas like gymnasts doing a log roll. Pride and UFC have professional looking events, but K-1 is falling apart. That was a horrible live event to have going on in the US. Most of the audience were L.A. kyopos anyway...there to see two Korean fighters. Choi Hong Man was supposed to fight, but withdrew at the 11th hour due to fear of Brock Lesnar.
I would say that the most entertaining part of the whole event was Il Hee cheering on Yoon Dong Sik in his match. Yoon had a pretty swollen eye, which looked quite gross. Upon seeing the eye, LVJ was out for revenge and screamed with feverish intensity, "Come on Yoon...blind him!" Hilarious. Sure sure, on the outside she is an adorable sweetheart, but on the inside lurks the heart of an assassin.

Love is patient, love is kind, love is delusional...

Pretty slack around here at VonJackass Enterprises lately. My editor was in a workshop all week and some of the staff were on strike due to lack of fringe benefits. I resolved that problem though by firing them.

Many blog-worthy things have happened over the last week, so I will do my best to exaggerate them into something even more interesting.

Part 1 - A tale of two hapless morons

Chatting with a former HUFS student of mine, she expressed her depression and sadness about her boyfriend heading off to military service and then after that is done, he has to go abroad to study for a year. This is a reasonably common situation here with the mandatory military service of just over 2 years. She was going on and on about how they couldn't see each other for almost 3 years except when he gets the odd weekend off...blah blah sickening blah.
When asked, "How long have you been dating?" the answer came quickly
"Since Friday. I met him at Club Day in Hongdae Friday night."
"3 Days?!?!??" I exclaimed.
"No no no. Four days."
As whacked as I thought it was, I can maybe have around 1% of understanding. No, on second thought, it is just stupid. I wrapped up the conversation and chalked it up to logic being on vacation for the summer.

Saturday though, in a chilling coincidence, I heard almost the same story come from a gal who works at Cinema English. She has worked there for almost a year and I usually chat with her every week while we wait to teach. She is quite friendly and easy going, but she was on edge and freaking out as she waited for a phone message. I asked her if she was expecting an important call or something, and she explained to me that her boyfriend, who is usually very reliable, hadn't phoned her or messaged her in 3 days. As any guy knows, that in itself is punishable by a swift shot to the yarbles. However, when I asked how long they had been dating, she told me "a week". I squinted and nodded to keep from smiling.

Please keep in mind kids...if you believe in romance like your Uncle VonJackass does, remember that dating can be tricky, so use your brain once in a while.

Vaguely related, but a classic all the same:

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

-- Rodney Dangerfield.

King of the Bongo

Saturday morning...I woke up in the usual way: the soothing monotone bark of a bongo truck outside my window, followed by my cranky next door neighbour's screams, topped off by my two word salute to the driver.
This week marks the smooth slide out of the semester, as two of my classes at "the Power Station" are wrapping up, as well as my Saturday movie class. After almost 3 years of teaching every Saturday, it feels like a great relief to know that today is the end of the line. I don't mean to say that I had any problem with the class, in fact, I rather enjoyed it most of the time, and met a lot of cool people along the way. It was time, however, to become a Monday - Friday slave and keep the weekends open for other endeavours (BBQing meat, playing darts, poker, squash, napping, blogging, writing about blogging, blogging about BBQing, and BBQing squash).

Thursday was Buddha's Birthday, which is a National Holiday and a day off in Korea...except for "foreigners" it seems. Hongik required us (English, Chinese and Japanese teachers) to work even though the Korean professors, staff, janitors, students and everyone else in the country was taking the day off. As you might imagine, classes were pretty meager...only a few students were on the campus, so most of the 20 or so professors on hand passed the time drinking coffee and making off hand remarks. Not sure what the deal is with that, but even back in the old Hanguk University of Foreign Studies days, they made us go to work during Korean Thanksgiving - the biggest holiday in the country - which amounted to 6 English professors sitting around an empty campus for 8 hours. What's the point of them doing that you may wonder? Everyone else was wondering as well, including our students. The answer, dear readers, can only be found when you have stripped your mind of all ability to use logic and reason. Then and only then will you be able to understand the mindset of the business practices in the land of the morning bongo truck.

Saskatchewan Artists...what is the value of art?

This morning's news featured a few eye catching items:

1) Victoria Day in Canada...

A time when Canadians all take to their cabins, Pinesol in tow, and see what surprises nature has left them over the winter. Could it be a cob web, could it be a leaky roof, could it be a rotting raccoon carcass caught in a stove pipe? The answers can only be ascertained once the creaky, warped door is opened and you regain your bearings after inhaling the 1-2 punch of last fall's season ending "leftover cookout extravaganza" mixed with the ever-present musty box spring and mattress combo.

2) Snow in Saskatchewan

This is a certain sign of global warming, as it is usually -30 at this time of year, and everyone knows that it never snows when it is that cold. (for those of you not familiar with Saskatchewan, that is a joke...albeit a cold one)

3) Artists lobby for better pay

Artists in Sask. are trying to organize a union, which boggles my mind. Now, I am no artist, and I must admit that my most feared class in all of elementary school was art because I had no skill, talent, ability, luck, or appreciation for it. A couple of quotes worth mentioning:

"Artist organizations have argued creative people are underpaid in Saskatchewan and that better legislation could result in higher incomes. The proposed law would allow scales to be set for the payment of artists that would establish minimum pay."

"The stalling of the bill led to some debate in the legislature Thursday and some finger pointing at the Saskatchewan Party. "They want to continue to keep artists poor," NDP MLA Pat Atkinson said."

Now it seems to me that assigning a specific value to art work devalues it entirely. Just like in most other professions, if you are good at what you do, then you will get paid accordingly. If you are not, keep working at it until you are. Enjoying art is a personal preference; what I may find impressive, another may find boring or offensive. I might be willing to drop $1000 dollars on something someone else finds distasteful and wouldn't pay a penny for. The accusation "they want to continue to keep artists poor" is a laugh. First, I do believe that throughout history, the vast majority of artists have been relatively poor and are not hung up on the materialism of what they do, and secondly, what reason would there be for anyone to want to hold artists down? If people love your artwork, then by all means, sell it until your heart (and bank account) is content. If they don't, it isn't the government's fault.

"Oh those rich sculptors, when will they get off their high horse?"

Anthony's bachelor party

A group of about 15 of us thought that the recently opened "Hooters" pub in Apkujung would be an appropriate place to kick off Anthony's bachelor party, and for the most part, we were right about that. I have never been to Hooters in Canada, but I imagine that the concept is pretty much the same, with the major difference being that Canadian waitresses have bigger...trays...yes...trays for carrying your order to your table.
After Justin's nightmare of a bachelor party, we hoped to keep the razors, bondage gear, emergency room visits, photo opportunities and markers to a minimum, and I think we achieved success. There are some pretty wacky photos of the Hooters antics floating around (keep an eye on the Goat's page in upcoming days) but generally we were about as well behaved as 15 guys can be when they are out on the town.
Second stop was "The Loft" in Itaewon. I had never been there before, but a few guys vouched for its fun atmosphere, so we headed up there and mixed it up for a while...bumping into several of our coworkers by chance. Anthony was still holding it together quite well around midnight, and we thought that we should get over to Bless U where we could have a little pool / darts tourney or something like that to keep everyone entertained and on edge. The Old Man sent us on a scouting mission and they were going to soon follow. We got to Bless U and it was fairly quiet, so we knew we could get into some games with no problems. Colin and Barney showed up a little later without the bachelor, who was getting his groove on and busting out a few moves on the dance floor back at the loft.
We stuck around for a bit in Bless U, but we were running out of steam and ended up heading home - some of us in the dog house, while some of us were not. I'm sure Tony was paying the price today, but hopefully had a blast with good friends last night.

The Wrath...

What a lovely Sunday. Birds were smiling, the sun was singing, I was shining...
It all started off slowly and pleasantly with an early morning wake up to catch some of the Senators and Buffalo game...hell of a game...the Sabers scoring with 5 seconds left or something nutty like that to force overtime. OT was constant end to end action and the Sens finally scored. Wow...I haven't seen a game like that in a while I must say.

LVJ scooted over around 2ish and we decided to go for lunch. I live right beside a church, so it is usually a bit busy on Sunday as you would expect, but there was a parking spot right in front of my house, so she parked there. With all the milling around going on, we thought it would be a good idea to leave her cell phone number just in case we had to move the car to let someone in or out or whatever, which is pretty much par for the course here, so not a big deal. Just as we were finishing up our tom yum and green curry, she got a call that went something like this (in Korean though of course)

LVJ: Hello
Guy: Yeah, is your car parked here? It is blocking my car.
LVJ: Yeah that's my car. I am just across the street, I will come and move it and let you out
Guy: (realizing that she was a young lady) Well, how stupid do you have to be to park your car there you dumb bitch? Fuck!
LVJ: Sorry. I'll be there in a minute

She turned pure red with anger, so I knew that the day was about to turn interesting. She told me the details of the conversation and so I said to her that I would take care of it...
I walked across the street seething with fury...I was enraged to the point that I had to phone LVJ back while I was on the way so that she could tell me not to pound the guy.
As I approached my front door, this guy had his motorcycle parked across the back of her car as a way of blocking it, and he was standing by the driver's door with his arms crossed trying to look like a tough guy.
He was expecting someone like this to come and move the car:

However, to his surprise, this guy showed up instead (christ...oddly this pic does look a little like me...same strong hair line!):


The look on his face was priceless when he realized that his little ploy to trap a young girl turned sour...he looked like a cornered weasel. I walked about an inch away from his face and began a tirade of expletives in several languages...this went on for a couple of minutes with him trying to say some shit, but me not hearing a bar of it and releasing the verbal hounds on him. He looked like he was going to cry (this is about a 45 year old man) and then an old man came out of his house to see what was going on. The old dude spoke to me in English, and seemed to understand that the guy had done something to me to set me off. The old guy started in on the rude guy, but when rudey started speaking, I just cut him off and continued screaming in his face. He started reaching for his phone to call for some back up, so I though I would wrap it up by giving him a double finger salute right in front of his eyes and motioning for him to move his bike (you see, he didn't need us to move the car...he wanted the spot for someone else, which infuriated me even more). He had that kind of expression like "oh man, I really fucked up" mixed with "I hate foreigners".

I drove off and parked about a block down with thoughts of the old ultraviolence on my mind...


Strangely, as we went and had some coffee at starbucks after that, I felt a great sense of relief, as though I had released a year's worth of pent up stress and frustration at once. In the long run, it is probably not good for my own longevity to wig out that severely - from both a heart attack stand point and also street fighting standpoint. Call me old fashioned, but there is no way in hell that any fucking dick like that is going to talk to my girlfriend that rudely, and moreover, when I saw his little intimidation tactic standing by the car, I felt not one bit of remorse for losing my cool.

On a completely unrelated note, the Korean chapter of Rageaholics Anonymous meets every second Thursday of the month at 730pm in Shinchon. All are welcome to attend. Coffee and squares to follow.

What a day...

1. Class today was one of those days where I felt like
a) screaming at someone
b) telling someone to "fuck right off"
c) giving myself a lobotomy
d) checking to make sure that my students' brains were plugged in and in the on position
e) throwing my hands up in disgust and disbelief
f) suppressing my annoyance and using this blog as a release valve
g) all of the above

If you chose g), then you are correct. Let me give you a few vignettes from class...

• when some dude said that he wouldn't mind visiting Mexico because he had watched a documentary on it or something, a dopey broad cuts in with "I hate Mexico...I don't like Mexican people at all." When asked why, she responded that even though she had never been there (and didn't appear to know SFA about it) a guy that she perceived to be Mexican asked her to dance one time - at a night club of all places! She thought that he was too forward, and therefore hates the whole country.
• Apparently all Chinese people are dirty and smell bad. Chinese food is disgusting, and Chinese people have no manners. My students confirmed this by never having been to China, and eating jajangmyun (a Koreanized kind of Chinese food that is popular here)
• Korean guys have better manners than guys from any other country, which is why so many "foreigners" love Korean guys, like "Bi" (is that "BEE" or "Buy"?)
• A group of girls in class discussed at length the need for equality between men and women, then went on to stress the importance of trying to land a rich guy to marry above factors such as appearance, personality, love, trust, blah blah...to the point that one guy in class finally said to them "you are so shallow. Make your own money." That caused some tension for a minute...I was satisfied.
• In the second class, an older lady explained to me in great detail how I need to go to church and read the bible faithfully in order to live properly. At that point I was considering choice b)

These incidents are nothing new really, and any teacher can pretty much hear this shit all the time, but for some reason, today it was annoying the hell out of me. Maybe it was all of them happening in the space of 2 hours. I usually prefer hear doses of idiotic comments thrice a day, usually after meals and accompanied by a glass of water. I took this photo with my camera phone during class...I think it will give you an idea of the caliber of conversation going on.


Thank you blogspot.com...giving me free space to air these beefs has probably prevented me from getting fired, going to jail, getting in a dust-up, or indeed, all of the above.

Vacation can't come soon enough